Naked Truth.

I'm just sick.
On Thursday, I arrived at my shoot. Properly greeted my client. Began chatting away - and as is my custom, fidgeted with my camera settings - effectively "zero-ing" things out in order to start fresh. It's pure habit for me to reformat my memory cards at the onset of every session. Make sure I have a nice clean slate before I begin. I've done it a hundred times.

I was chatting and not thinking. My fingers were pushing buttons almost subconsciously.

Little did I realize, that the card inside - contained the entirety of Macho's 4th birthday - of which - I had yet to download to my computer.

I didn't realize this the moment I got home. Noooooo...
It hit me as I lay down to sleep (mind you it was 1:30am). I realized it then - because that was the first moment all day long that I had a second to breathe and reflect. And boom. OMG.

I hopped out of bed. My entire house asleep for hours. Scurried in the dark to the kitchen to check my camera.
Yup.
Gone.
Sick.

The worst part is. I didn't even NEED to reformat. I had a 32G card inside that had plenty of room for Macho's birthday, this session, and probably a few more. It's just a crazy habit and my brain has been so watered down I'm just screwing up!

As I sulked back into bed, I felt like I was carrying a TEN TON bag of guilt with me. I've been going ten million miles an hour for the past several weeks - actually since about May - and I'm tired.
Shit is slipping. I'd love to say this was my ONLY oversight this week - but that would be a lie.

I'm running myself into the ground. Playing "yes-man" again to every request that comes over the wire. And once again - I find myself looking into the eyes of my husband and children - and facing the fact that I'm all talk.

"Yep - honey one, maybe two shoots per week should be a perfectly manageable amount with the kids in school 3 days a week." -- this was my proposed plan of attack as I began my 2012 season.

Yet here I sit - typing this on a Friday - what should be a "home" day for the kids and I - with a babysitter in the other room while I'm holed up with the door locked editing away.

Earth to Katie...
You best CHECK yourself before you wreck everything that you love.

It's like anything else I suppose.

• I'm going to exercise.
• I'm going to watch what I eat.
• I'm going to date my husband every month - though every week would be even better.
• I'm going to put work aside and spend quality time with my kids on Wed/Fri and on weekends.
• I'm going to remember to take photos of the kids on a routine basis.
• I'm going to make time to scrapbook at least once a month.
• I'm NOT going to let work OWN me. 
• I'm going to go to bed ad a decent hour.
• I'm going to sit down at night and relax on the couch with Clark - just ONCE.

I say it. And I MEAN it.
And I remind myself of these goals often enough. I have the best of intentions.

But do I follow through?

Not so much.

It's hard to say no. Especially when it comes to the financial part of things. We are in a VERY tough economy right now... yet somehow I'm busy. Business has been amazing this year. I'm making money - paying for the kids childcare - and a few extras and pumping a large portion of the balance back into growing the business even more. Heck - as of TODAY and not accepting any more clients through the end of 2012. Yesterday I booked my final opening.
Today is August 10. That's just bananas, folks.

When you hear the jobless reports on the news each day - it's hard not to accept - with blind ambition - every work opportunity that comes your way. To try and figure a way to "make it all work."
A little over two years ago - I would've laughed in your face if you told me people would actually PAY me to take their photo. So when someone calls - I obviously wanna move mountains to get them in...

And like any business... you want to keep that momentum going. So you say yes - when you should say no. But - there is a price. The more I say "yes" to my work - the more I'm, in effect, saying "NO" to my family.

Balance. Is a very elusive thing, I'm finding.

So - losing Luke's birthday photos I'll consider my warning shot. If I don't get my priorities in line - I'll be in a real tough spot. The slope is effectively slippery.

And worse yet - I'm eating crow. I said I wouldn't let things get out of control... yet here I am.
I'm tired, cranky all the time, and I feel like I'm starting to fail at the relationships I need the most in my life.

I recently hired a team of design professionals to rebrand my business. I'm in the thick of this process right now. It's exciting - and expensive - but I'm ready to elevate things... (The idea is to work smarter, not harder - elevate the brand - by outsourcing when necessary.)
I'm hoping to roll everything out at the beginning of 2013...

As part of the process - I had to sit down and do something that was looong overdue.
I had to write a mission statement.
I always intended to do it - but again - no follow through.
This situation forced me to. It was part of my "homework"
Here's what I came up with...

To honor the needs of my family first and foremost. God, my husband and my children are what sustain me. My priorities must not waver.
To operate my business with the utmost level of integrity - always showing kindness and my own brand of infectious enthusiasm to each and every existing and potential client and colleague.
To have fun and feed my creative spirit. If I can't create... I wither.
To not be afraid of success and trying something new. Be open to growth.
To be a blessing to others. By sharing my God-given talents - in helping my clients to savor their memories, and by mentoring others in my field.
To try my very best to exceed expectations and ultimately have a positive impact on the lives of those I come into contact with.

A work in progress, I suppose. But that first line item must be the litmus test against all things I say "yes" to.
When an opportunity arises - I gotta throw it at this statement like a wet noodle. If it sticks - do it.
If not - let it go.

And that's the naked truth y'all.

Comments

[Jaime]

Have you tried a disc recovery? My husband says if you get a good disc recovery software program you should still be able to get the deleted ones back. He says scandisk makes a good one supposedly. He said don't delete the new ones, copy them to someplace. He said don't hold him to it, but what do you have to loose? Maybe it can recover some.

[Katie Pegher]

Oh dang.... to late for that Im afraid. Ive already had two more sessions since the incident
:(

[Dnweller]

Very well said, Katie-I have faith you will find a way to make it work. You love your family, and your family loves you-it's written all over y'alls faces in your pics. It's how you know what it looks like in others faces when you're capturing their memories. You will find your balance-sometimes you just have to look for it!

[Gabi]

Girl,
I so know where you are coming from. Even though I'm not in a photography business, I always try to make everything work and everyone happy. To be the best mom, wife, to do my workouts, to cook hot lunches every day (always do it in the evening so the next day it's ready and then I wonder why I'm so tired in the morning), trying not to hate my 3.5h everyday commute to/from work (which totally sucks), desperately trying to find some time for my hobbies and so on and so on....
We all screw up. Some days just a little bit, some days big times. But the important thing is that you've realized that something has to change and you are working on it. Things will get better, I believe it. You are on the right path. ((Hugs)) and good luck!!!

[Katie Pegher]

Thanks so much for your encouragement Gabi. I know we ALLL lead busy lives. Its all about trying to keep a good perspective.
I feel for you with the commute. Clarks commute is horrible too... and that definitely puts a strain on us doing anything at all during weekday evenings.
And even more of an emphasis on the time we get to spend together on weekends - which makes me feel absolutely HORRIBLE when I have to work.
But thats just the nature of what I do... Sometimes - a Saturday is all that will work for the client.
:)

[Gabi]

It will get better, Katie. That's what I'm telling myself all the time...
I've started working after being at home with kids for 8 years and I'm still struggling so much with daily routines even after 11 months at work. Unfortunately a day has only 24 hours. I would take at least 3 extra hours right away if that would be possible.
Kids are in bed now so I'm turning DVD with Jillian Michaels on and will do my workout while Ivo is going for his swim (he is training for an Ironman race which will take a place in two weeks). So even though there is no work on weekends, it's so hard to find time to do something together as a family between grocery shopping, training etc. I'm glad we are not the only crazy busy family though, it makes it a little bit easier to know there are other families struggling with time.

On the other note, may I ask you for an advice? I love your photography work so I know you understand the technical stuff. I have Nikon D90 with a 18-200mm lens and would like to get another lens. Do you think 50mm, 1.8G is a good choice for a second lens? All I shoot is two very active kids and very athletic husband. Thanks in advance for any advice.

I hope you will be able to find some compromise in your busy schedule.Take it easy!

[Katie Pegher]

Gabi!
Thanks for your note. Good for you for finding the time to keep your body healthy! Thats one thing that has unfortunately gone by the wayside with me the last several months. I was running with my neighbor in the evenings - but with the summer light being late - my kids end up pushing it with bedtime and Im usually under an editing deadline... so no dice.
Gotta make that part happen again too....
Esh.
As for your photography question - YES - the nifty fifty is the best second lens beyond your kit lens to get. Its what I first branched off with. The D90 is an excellent pro-sumer camera. I used one for the first 9 months of starting my business. The low aperture will blur your backgrounds nicely and really teach you about the power of depth of field and how to isolate your subjects. People call it a fast lens because it does really well in low light situations. Youll be able to have a faster than usual shutter speed in low light because of the wide aperture (low f/stop).
And the best part.... its very affordable.
:)
Take care!

[Gabi]

I was a runner too but now I have problems with my knee and my dr told me no more extreme running (I was just training for half marathon but had to cancel). So I switched to bike. We have a trainer in garage where we put our road bikes into and now I can bike even when it's dark outside. It's convenient.
Thank your for your reply about the lens, Katie. I really appreciate it. I can't wait to order it and start playing with it!
Have a great day.

[Lauren]

Well said....& you're not alone :) Not booking anything else until Spring of 2013. I've had a blogsite template for 8 months I have yet to do anything with and some major family and house projects I want to work on now. Not to mention Christmas with my Kids!!

[Lauren]

....Oh &, giving up newborns completely! Clearly, you have that nailed.

L