Perspective... from last Friday.

June 24, 2010~

I'm having one of those "too tired to sleep" nights tonight. So get ready... this could be one of the more authentic and from the heart posts than I've written in a long while.

Clark is coming home in about 16 hours and I've got a zillion things running through my mind as I anticipate the week ahead.

The entire family will be taking some much needed vacation time together this upcoming week. I, personally, couldn't be more excited to utterly unplug myself and just concentrate on my man and my little amigos.

And... all this anticipation has me thinking. About stuff that's totally been sitting just underneath the surface of my smiling face for awhile.

Yes... I been frontin' a little. Like everything's cool... I got it all under control.... yadda yadda.

No I don't.

Defintiely not.

My life feels like an out of control meteor just looking for a place to crash the past few months.

And I'm entirely to blame.

Let me just be clear, I enormously lucky and blessed in so many ways... I'm so fortunate to have a job that allows me to flex my creative muscle with photography and graphic design... make my own hours... and meet wonderful people along the way. Really, I can't believe I actually get paid to take photos. Like, pinch myself. I mean - 18 months ago I was still wrapping my head around the whole exposure triangle and trying to get Macho to pose for his monthly shot.

So - it's really incredible that I'm making a little extra dough for our family, which is paying for Macho to go to school two days a week - which he LOVES. 

The little booger is just so proud of himself... of being a "big boy." I'd work 10 jobs for him to be able to hang on to this routine awhile.

And with the photography thing... I really couldn't have forseen that things would snowball so quickly. I never would've expected being this busy. And I'm so SO grateful - so please don't misunderstand... 

But, combine requests for various things photography related and otherwise with my sheer inability to say "no" and I'm just at my total limit... Somebody call FEMA, cuz we got a full-on natural disaster coming our way.

I just feel like - right now - at this moment in time - that's my own personal forecast.

If I were to dissect this "problem" - the number one thing that bother's me - yet is a necessary evil in my career choice - is my computer. I feel like I'm all but chained to the thing most of the time. Design time, editing, blogging, etc. That's the real drag... Not the picture taking - or the lovely people - or the great relationships I'm building outside of my photography realm... It's just the computer time that's really rough right now.

Ya wanna know something ironic? I used to follow some great blogs - that actually inspired me to start this one... and I don't have time to read them anymore. How's THAT for selling a pill you arent' taking yourself? I miss that. I miss my little daily doses of inspiration.

And there I go. A walking contradiction. Do I want more time on the computer - or less?

Less.

Sure... loads of people out there have jobs where they are on a computer ALL DAY... but I would venture to guess that those people don't rush home at 5pm to jump on the ones they keep there.

I have to work my WORK into the nooks and crannies of my days AND nights. I'm really never "off duty." And that's my own fault too. But - when you have deadlines to meet for clients - and two little ankle biters demanding your time all day - well - you just do what you have to do to keep everything afloat.

What really kills me though... Is when Macho comes up to me and says, "Mommy, you play hockey with me when you done working?" He sees me on the computer SO much... and he tries his hardest to remain patient. But he's still 2. Patience is a fleeting thought.... a nice idea... at best.

I guess it just kills me that at even at 2 years old, he is very "aware" of the time I'm spending in front of the computer.

Like, it's nearly July and we've only been to the pool once - for an hour and a half. That sucks.

So - I guess I'm just so conflicted right now. I love my work. I love my family. I love blogging.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this struggle.

The point is - I'm just trying to get some perspective on it all. Achieve a better balance.

Work hard to provide some "extras" for our family - or work hard at "being there" more??

 

Well... I'm not making any decisions now.

I'm going to take this week and chill with my peeps. Have a good time and just unplug. Reel myself back in from feeling totally burnt out. Recharge.

So, friends - I love ya... but I'm peacing out until sometime next week.

And.. thanks for letting me vent.

Have a good one! :)

Comments

[erin mccombie]

I could have written this. Struggling, too, lately! Hang in there and have a fabulous vacation, you deserve it! Hope maybe we can get together sometime this... year? :)

[heidi]

girlfriend, they are only young once. there will always be laundry, dishes to do, meals to cook, things to clean...but they are as young as they will ever be today. i personally used to be a slave to my camcorder...is that even what you call them?? i would take that thing everywhere so i could have the memory to watch whenever i wanted to later. but after years of that i really felt i wasn't "in the moment"...i was watching life pass through my tiny little movie screen...i wasn't seeing everything else around me, just what i was recording. so now find myself taking everything in and retelling dan how the swim meet went down where his 7 year old smoked everyone in the freestyle race...and how his 10 year old beat a kid who is twice his size.

it's a weird thing...like i musta said 4 times, "i wish i would have recorded it, because you would not have believed how much she smoked everyone"...but i feel like had i been recording it, i wouldn't have had the same view of what i saw. if that makes any sense at all.

my favorite time of the day is nap time...it used to be because they would nap and i would have peace and quiet. now, it's because i lay down with mitchell and halle, we take turns reading pages, have some pillow talk, and then i nap for 20 min and they nap for 2 hours...lol. it's amazing how tired everyone gets from swim team...i highly recommend it. ;

you take all the time you need...have a great week! xo

[Crystal C]

Don't be so hard on yourself.....you are an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, and super creative woman!!! Isn't it funny how much we took our own moms for granted growing up (working moms that shuttled us kids to and from a zillion activities with little complaints, etc!?!?) Enjoy your vacation!!!!! :)

[Katie Pegher]

hang in there erin! call me if you need some moral support!!!
and YES - we will get together! love to have you all at the shore here - if you have the time. summers are the best here!

[Katie Pegher]

@Crystal... I KNOW... my mom worked full time - was the cheerleading advisor for several years - and spent her nights getting her MBA. Oh how the heck did she do it.
Ive no right to complain. I just want to be present
:)

[Danna]

You're certainly not alone, you, and I think every working (and stay at home) mom in the world feels the guilt of not spending enough time with the kiddos, while also feeling like they don't spend enough time contributing to the family budget, or by the way, spend enough time just being them!

My only suggestion is to let all the guilt go- you're doing your best and that's all anyone can ask for.

Now I'm going to go look in the mirror and tell myself that same thing!

[Katie Pegher]

@Danna - AMEN!!

[Katie Pegher]

@Heidi - thanks so much for this!!!

[Lauren]

Your babies know you love them :) I have similar struggles daily. This is precisely why I chose Not to do weddings. I know you're hanging with family this weekend, but I'd be happy to share our pool and little beach at Sunset Island, 67th street, for a couple hours, if you want to mix it up and get the boys together. They probably know each other better than you and I do from their time together in school :) I'll be there until some point on Wednesday the 6th.

[Katie Pegher]

Dude!! Thanks so much for your comment and also for your invite. We had a bit of a whirlwind trip and I wasnt checking my phone often enough. Im SURE the boys know eachother... and Im hoping to get back to OC in the coming weeks ahead... perhaps I can take a rain check???
:)

[Wendy]

Don't be so hard on yourself, you sound amazingly strong.

[Lauren]

Absolutely! 410-924-8842 Just call